Snakes, Fridges and Bingo: A Survival Guide to Busing from Cuba to Argentina

The roads snake their way from Coast, through jungle, across deserts and over mountain passes. These sometimes treacherous paths link you to South Americas 'must see, must do' locations. If you decide to travel South America and are time rich and money poor than this is the mode of transport is defiantly for you.

If you decide that busing around South America is on the cards there are a few things you need to know if you are going to survive the trip without:


A. Going a little crazy

B. Losing some appendages from frost bite

C. Being caught with the very likely possibility of soiling your pants

D. Dying (in the very literal sense of the word).


However don't be afraid of these terrible 'maybes'. They are all quite easily (in most cases) avoidable. Just do the right thing and you'll be spared some of the most embarrassing or terrible moments of your life.


A. Going crazy is a very real possibility, especially if you are riding a bus from anywhere between 18-100hours. The real trick here is to have any entertainment device fully charged and set to battery saving mode well before the trip. Getting caught with a dead MP3 player only 2 hours into the trip is worse than forgetting to wear underwear while wearing itchy woolen pants. If you are one lucky enough to be able to read on the bus, well then, I hate you (with all the heart of my green eyed monster). Mastering 1 or 2 player games which don't require cards or dice can come pretty handy. For example poison finger (a game I invented which can entertain for hours if not make the other person go completely nuts in seconds). Choose one finger and make the other person choose all the other fingers you didn't initially choose, if they choose the 'poison finger' you win! (WARNING: Bus offered entertainment may include but is not limited to: Shinia Twain live in Chicago (2 times in one trip!), Ricky Martin live in Europe, the complete collection of Marcus Antonia Solis and terrible straight to video Richard Gear movies)


B. Imagine you step on a bus in tropical Cuba or Colombia and it is 38oC and humid as hell. It's so damn uncomfortable you spend all day sleeping to forget how uncomfortable you are. Then you step on the 17hour bus. Ahh! It's cool, it's nice, it's 17oC? Great! Maybe for the first five minutes. Frost bite on overnight bus trips is common. Come prepared with socks, sleeping bag, pillow and if you cant stand Richard Gear or Shinia Twain bring your ear plugs.

C. South American food induced stomach and bowel problems are high on the list of problems for all travellers trying to do something or get somewhere. There may be a time when at 6 in the morning, after eating a terrible dinner at 2am at a bus station, when you may be desperately needing the bathroom. BIG problem considering there is a queue AND the toilet is 'solo para orinar' (only for wee). Eventually you figure with horrifying desperation that your movements will be the consistency of wee and that if you don't get to the toilet than an underwear change WILL be necessary. What to do in times like this. Firstly always travel with a change of underwear and potentially pants. Secondly learn to meditate through the pains. Thirdly build certain muscle which help you hold the force of your bowel movements in, at least for the 3 or so minutes you will have to wait. If it helps imagine a little wizard standing on a bridge screaming at your bowel monster 'You shall not pass!'.

D. At 3am you drive past a crash, both cars have been up ended and there is a body lying in the middle of the road covered in a sheet. You realise that this could easily be you. In many South American countries drivers are reckless, they don't have seat belts fitted in the car, they don't drive with their lights on at night and often drive on the opposite side of the road to avoid potholes. Maybe you will ride a 'Diablo Rojo' (pictured above). These buses cruise Panama and are old USA school buses which failed saftey checks. Apparently without emergency exits this beasts are known to catch on fire from the engine at the front. This fire traps those in the bus and burns all alive without hope of escape. You can't stop thinking 'please don't kill me!' This is something you have very little control over. Be aware, wear a seatbelt, avoid dodgy roads (if possible) and don't sit at the front of the bus and lastly hope you aren't on the wrong end of any collision.

All this said, don't be afraid of South American buses. They are a great cheap way to move around this beautiful continent. Generally they are clean and comfortable and have (to date) got me everywhere I needed to be without problems.

Good luck Travelers,

Mikey Fitz in Buenos Aires