Snakes, Fridges and Bingo: A Survival Guide to Busing from Cuba to Argentina

The roads snake their way from Coast, through jungle, across deserts and over mountain passes. These sometimes treacherous paths link you to South Americas 'must see, must do' locations. If you decide to travel South America and are time rich and money poor than this is the mode of transport is defiantly for you.

If you decide that busing around South America is on the cards there are a few things you need to know if you are going to survive the trip without:


A. Going a little crazy

B. Losing some appendages from frost bite

C. Being caught with the very likely possibility of soiling your pants

D. Dying (in the very literal sense of the word).


However don't be afraid of these terrible 'maybes'. They are all quite easily (in most cases) avoidable. Just do the right thing and you'll be spared some of the most embarrassing or terrible moments of your life.


A. Going crazy is a very real possibility, especially if you are riding a bus from anywhere between 18-100hours. The real trick here is to have any entertainment device fully charged and set to battery saving mode well before the trip. Getting caught with a dead MP3 player only 2 hours into the trip is worse than forgetting to wear underwear while wearing itchy woolen pants. If you are one lucky enough to be able to read on the bus, well then, I hate you (with all the heart of my green eyed monster). Mastering 1 or 2 player games which don't require cards or dice can come pretty handy. For example poison finger (a game I invented which can entertain for hours if not make the other person go completely nuts in seconds). Choose one finger and make the other person choose all the other fingers you didn't initially choose, if they choose the 'poison finger' you win! (WARNING: Bus offered entertainment may include but is not limited to: Shinia Twain live in Chicago (2 times in one trip!), Ricky Martin live in Europe, the complete collection of Marcus Antonia Solis and terrible straight to video Richard Gear movies)


B. Imagine you step on a bus in tropical Cuba or Colombia and it is 38oC and humid as hell. It's so damn uncomfortable you spend all day sleeping to forget how uncomfortable you are. Then you step on the 17hour bus. Ahh! It's cool, it's nice, it's 17oC? Great! Maybe for the first five minutes. Frost bite on overnight bus trips is common. Come prepared with socks, sleeping bag, pillow and if you cant stand Richard Gear or Shinia Twain bring your ear plugs.

C. South American food induced stomach and bowel problems are high on the list of problems for all travellers trying to do something or get somewhere. There may be a time when at 6 in the morning, after eating a terrible dinner at 2am at a bus station, when you may be desperately needing the bathroom. BIG problem considering there is a queue AND the toilet is 'solo para orinar' (only for wee). Eventually you figure with horrifying desperation that your movements will be the consistency of wee and that if you don't get to the toilet than an underwear change WILL be necessary. What to do in times like this. Firstly always travel with a change of underwear and potentially pants. Secondly learn to meditate through the pains. Thirdly build certain muscle which help you hold the force of your bowel movements in, at least for the 3 or so minutes you will have to wait. If it helps imagine a little wizard standing on a bridge screaming at your bowel monster 'You shall not pass!'.

D. At 3am you drive past a crash, both cars have been up ended and there is a body lying in the middle of the road covered in a sheet. You realise that this could easily be you. In many South American countries drivers are reckless, they don't have seat belts fitted in the car, they don't drive with their lights on at night and often drive on the opposite side of the road to avoid potholes. Maybe you will ride a 'Diablo Rojo' (pictured above). These buses cruise Panama and are old USA school buses which failed saftey checks. Apparently without emergency exits this beasts are known to catch on fire from the engine at the front. This fire traps those in the bus and burns all alive without hope of escape. You can't stop thinking 'please don't kill me!' This is something you have very little control over. Be aware, wear a seatbelt, avoid dodgy roads (if possible) and don't sit at the front of the bus and lastly hope you aren't on the wrong end of any collision.

All this said, don't be afraid of South American buses. They are a great cheap way to move around this beautiful continent. Generally they are clean and comfortable and have (to date) got me everywhere I needed to be without problems.

Good luck Travelers,

Mikey Fitz in Buenos Aires

A crappy system; A survival guide to South American toileting

If you are offended by potty language or shit talk (excuse the french nan and pop) then now is your chance to tune out!

How strong are your thighs? When was the last time you made time to do some squat thrusts? How good is your balance? How resistant are you to terrible smells? Well all these would come in handy when travelling South America.

A daily occurrence, for most people, is a trip once or twice to the toilet. Technically your body is designed to 'evacuate' every 30 minutes after a medium to large meal. However depending on the amount of fibre in the diet, the amount of water consumed and the regularity and type of exercise, healthy bowel movements should occur 2-3 times a day. This is not counting the times when stomach bugs strike (travellers stomach) or when you are eating particularly spicy or foreign food types.

Now with this in mind a clean toilet, a wad of toilet paper and a toilet seat can be considered closer to you than a good friend and more comfortable than a soft bed. These things, unfortunately, are a rarity in South America. In fact a toilet itself, in some places, can also be hard to come by. You often come to the point where it hurts to hold it in any longer, when you have finally found a toilet after hours of searching, you have paid the attendant $1-2 to get past, you bust open the broken cubical door (if it is actually there) and you find a 'toilet'. No seat, no paper, dirty and, wow, the stench makes you dry-retch. What to do, what to do? Here is when your strong thigh muscles, balance and ability to deal with smells comes in handy.

In 2005 the population of South America was 371,090,000, excluding travellers. Now if these people follow the rules that means each day a toilet is used 111 327 0000 times. You'd think that with this figure in mind the people would cherish the porcelain bowl! If you were of this mind, you'd be in for a shock.

So my advice for you would be as follows; Build thigh strength, B.Y.O toilet paper and soap, learn to hold you breath for extended periods of time and finally get in and (get it) out as quickly as possible.

Sorry to dump such a post, I just had to deposit my knowledge of South American toilets on this blog... Ok Ok no more.

In Argentina,
Mikey Fitz

Spike the guinea pig

Did you have a guinea pig when you were young? Maybe you have one now? I did. His name was Spike, he had light brown fur with black spots and the biggest eyes you could possibly have on an animal that size. He was a cute little critter. He passed away in summer from over heating. It was a sad day when we found him still in his little cage dad had made for him.
How do you like your guinea pigs? Maybe you like them white with creamy spots, tiny with cute little bows tied in their hair, perhaps you like them warm and cuddly? No? How about deep fried or slow roasted over coals?
Thats right Peruvian fair has a guinea pig flair! As national dish cuy (Quechua for guinea pig) has become a highly important part of the Peruvian diet. Peruvians consume an estimated 65million cuy a year. The little guys are stripped of their hair and roasted, deep fried, marinated or barbecued.
Did I hear you say yum or was that a utterance of disgust? If you are like me and don't fancy eating a cooked rodent served to you in full (minus the stomach but including the brain and all other internal organs), then I'm sure it was the latter. But don't tut too soon at those who choose to eat these furry little animals. Domesticated around 5000BCE in the Andean region, they are easy to keep and breed as quickly as rabbits. They are cheap for families who can't afford to kill Betsy the milk cow or Alana the Llama and can be raised in urban environment. Apparently they are tastier than rabbit and creamier than chicken.
Now I'm sure your thinking, Mike you are a chicken for not grabbing a knife and fork and picking the meat off the tiny bones and enjoying this Peruvian dish. Maybe you are right.
Maybe next time I won't be so coy about eating cuy.

With love,
Mike